I am so proud of myself and the woman I’ve become. When I look back over my life, I can see the way I’ve grown mentally over the years. This does my spirit good, because for a big chunk of my adult life, I carried the same mindset.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein
Can I be real with you for a moment? For a huge part of my adult life, I lived my life out of response to past traumas- mainly from a toxic marriage.
Up until a couple of years ago, whenever I would make a decision to be in a relationship, I’d base it on comfort and convenience, that’s it!
Just because it’s comfortable, doesn’t mean it’s safe.
I was searching for protection…
I knew that this person would always be accessible.
I trusted the access, but there was no protection, so I couldn’t fully rest, in my femininity in that relationship.
When I say protection, I don’t mean it as in physical protection. Any ex of mine, is about that life.
I mean it as emotional protection, spiritual covering, and mental support.
Just because someone gives you access, that doesn’t mean you have a true connection, it just means that there’s some sort of attachment, and if you’re living your life in response to trauma, it’s usually an unhealthy one.
I developed this unhealthy attachment during a traumatic marriage and because I equated it to safety/protection, it went on for many years, but there wasn’t any growth.
I stayed connected longer than I should, and it wasn’t because I didn’t know it was a waste of my time, but because I equated comfort and convenience to safety and protection.
Coming out of a marriage that I felt abandoned, helpless, and my self esteem plummeted in, to being with someone who craved my presence or that I could be with anytime I wanted, was like a rush to me, it was seriously my drug.
But the high would always come down…
I was broken, but instead of truly healing, I’d connect with other broken people. I kept going back to the same situation, for that “fix.”
The “fix” ain’t fix nothing.
Two broken people don’t equal a whole.
I had to get myself together.
Comfort zones are danger zones, because they keep you from growing.
Eventually, I cut ties in that relationship because it was keeping me from growing and completely healing from my previous marriage.
Once I decided that I would work on me, instead of going back to what was familiar, comfortable or convenient, I didn’t need that “rush” anymore.
I didn’t need a fix, I needed Jesus to fix it.
You see, the rush made me feel safe, mainly because the relationship was safe. It was on my own terms, so I could still keep a wall up, and “protect” my heart in a way.
I wasn’t protecting my heart, I was keeping myself caged in from potentially experiencing real love.
The relationship was surface level, so for the most part, everything was all good. I didn’t have to unpack any baggage, and neither did he. There was clearly baggage on both sides, but neither of us cared enough to claim it. We didn’t need to hold each other accountable- it wasn’t that deep.
We were in it for a good time, not a long time, but we wasted a lot of years.
Until it just wasn’t fun anymore.
So, I took some time to focus on me. There were times when I’d get lonely, and I’d get tempted to retreat to “safety” but God always makes a way of escape.
Some time went by, and I remember being single and looking at couples on social media, and wanting that perfect picture for my life. I couldn’t wait to post pictures of me and my man, but then I got into another relationship, and I had no desire to post photos. It wasn’t because I wasn’t happy, it was because I was!
I didn’t feel the need to show the world that I was happy! Those who needed to know him, did. For the first time in my adult life, I was in a relationship that was deeper than surface level, and because it was deeper than your typical “rainbows and sunshine”- surface level relationships, like I’d previously had, there were some ugly truths about both of us as individuals.
We hung in there for a while, trying to fix the relationship, but the problem was, we needed to fix our individual issues outside of the relationship, because if not, they would keep bleeding into our relationship, as it did, so eventually, I called it quits.
Relationships takes work, but it shouldn’t be hard if you work on you first.
So, that’s where I am. I’m working on me, so that I can be my best self for my future husband.
One of my prayers is that God prepare me for what I am praying for.
My last relationship taught me a lot. I can honestly say, I felt protected, and the relationship wasn’t perfect, but no relationship is, because no one is perfect but God.
I’ve gained more patience than I thought I had. I hold myself accountable for my actions. I am more understanding. I’ve always been feminine, but I had never been able to fully rest in it until my last relationship, but now I’m doing it, and I’m single!
I realize that I don’t have to keep a wall up to be strong. I have always prayed for my future husband, but my last relationship taught me how to pray over my future husband. There are so many things I’ve learned from this last relationship, and that’s confirmation that it wasn’t a loss, it was a lesson.
I knew that I had grown after this breakup, when I had no desire to go back to the convenient and “safe” relationship, that I had in the past. The crazy thing is, I could if I wanted to, but the desire for false protection, is no longer there, because I’m healed.
I just went through a breakup, but I’m healed. I don’t feel sad, angry, bitter, or regretful- I am at peace.
The joy of the Lord is my strength, and when I tell you that I am a witness that God gives you peace that surpasses all understanding, I mean it!
So, now that I’m single, I’m working on me. I know that God has awesome things in store for me, and it’s only getting better from here!
I’ve noticed that when I started healing me, valuing me, and respecting me, I moved differently, and now I attract differently.
It all starts in the mind.
Growth looks good on me.
*If you’ve enjoyed this post, check out my affirmation book for single women titled, “Take Care.” Click the link below for more details.*
Shubricca L Bell 