Silent anger is the worst anger because you never know what a person is thinking and they’re too far gone to think clearly…
I have to go through six weeks of physical therapy. I’ve been through three so far, and I’m regaining my strength to talk again. The swelling in my head has went down and there wasn’t any serious head trauma, thank God. TJ has been right beside me every step of the way. I wish that I could say everything has been great, but it hasn’t.
Most days we argue, cry, pray, repeat. It’s exhausting. TJ is with me physically, but he’s checked out mentally. He’s always with me, but his mind is never here. He won’t talk to me about what he’s feeling.
He says that he’s okay, but I know that this situation has taken a toll on him mentally. I betrayed him as his wife, and he was betrayed by someone he considered a friend for the last eight months. Lately, I’ve been standing in the gap for our family. I got us in this situation, but it’s going to take an act of God to get us out. I even called our pastor.
I hadn’t been to church in almost a year because I’ve been working every Sunday. Our pastor was glad to hear from me, and he came over to our house as quickly as he could. I was never the type to put people in our business, because everyone has their issues, even pastors, but our pastor is my last hope as far as people are concerned. If anyone can help TJ communicate what he’s feeling, it’s him. Keeping all of those emotions bundled up inside wasn’t good.
I could see it in his eyes, he was a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. When we argued, there was a fear I felt, unlike no other. Every word he said, I felt, and not in a good way. He hasn’t threatened me or anything, but his frustrations towards me sometimes, has woken a side of him that I never thought I’d see. I used to feel safe with him, but now I’m scared for me and him.
One day he’s taking care of me, helping me out as needed, and taking me to my physical therapy and doctor appointments. The next day he’s distant. He’s so distant that it feels like I’m a stranger in my own home. Besides helping me out, he hasn’t touched me since I told him about the affair. He’s been sleeping on the couch for the last three weeks he’s been back home.
Our pastor came over, but he didn’t get much out of TJ either. That same day, we received papers in the mail saying that Christian was suing TJ, as if having him fired wasn’t enough. Christian was suing for assault and he claimed “pain and suffering.” Pastor stayed and talked with us about thirty minutes. “I’m okay, pastor.
I appreciate you coming over,” TJ said, as he walked our pastor outside and closed the door. “No problem son, but are you sure that you’re okay?” pastor said. “Yeah, just trying to process all of this,” TJ said. “Well, you don’t have to do it alone. I know how it is,” pastor said.
“Nah, I don’t think you know how this is, pastor,” TJ said. “What? Just because I’m a pastor, I’m not human?” pastor said. “I’m not saying that. I’m just saying.
I want to snap dudes neck on some real shit, pastor. I apologize for cussing, but I meant what I said,” TJ said. “Son, trust me. I’ve been there. I wasn’t always in m the pulpit.
I was a part of the streets for a long time, but one thing I found out the hard way is that, vengeance is the Lord’s,” pastor said. “This dude just doesn’t stop! Pain and suffering? Pain and suffering? Really?
I gotta go, pastor. Thanks again for everything. I’ll call you later,” TJ said. “Okay, son. I love you,” pastor said.
“I love you too, pastor,” TJ said. Pastor left and TJ came back inside. “I made you a couple of sandwiches for lunch baby,” I said. “I’ll eat later Nessa. Right now I’m going for a run.
Call me if you need anything,” TJ said, before grabbing his cell off the coffee table and heading towards the door. “I need you, TJ,” I said. He stopped in front of the door. “Baby please,” I said, as my voice began to crack and tears began to roll down my face. “Please stay, and talk to me,” I said.
A tear fell down his face and he wiped it. He was still facing the door. “I’m sorry Nessa. I just can’t right now,” he said. “Then when?” I cried. “I don’t know,” he said calmly, before walking out the door.