Transparency moment: I’m STILL in the wilderness…

Transparency moment. I’ve been in what feels like the wilderness for going on seven years now. What started off as a temporary move, in order to come up with a greater plan for my life, has turned into this journey where I know that I’m moving forward, yet I am stuck in the same place.

Lately my prayer has been, “God show me what to do.” My prayers are a cry of desperation. I know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity, but I am also trying to remain faithful. Day in and day out for the longest time, I’ve asked God what do I need to do, and I always find myself writing.

Writing is not just something I like to do, it’s who I am. I live and breathe it. It’s the gift God gave me to help get me through hard times, and give others hope at the same time.

As a child, I’ve always loved words, rhyming, creating poetry and short stories. I also knew that I was going to be someone great- it was a feeling deep inside of me.

As a child, my dream job was to become a gynecologist… until I witnessed a live birth and almost fainted at the age of 17.

Life happened at 18, and things began moving pretty fast. I had a baby, graduated high school, got married, we bought a house, all in this order and all at 18- life was grand! I was blessed.

The favor of the Lord was upon our house. We were fruitful and multiplied a few times, and a few years after the honeymoon phase, all hell broke loose, and when it rained, it poured.

After finally separating in 2006, I began a new life as a single mom (although I was still married). The struggle was real. I did have a culinary arts degree under my belt, so I kept a job, but with issues with paying for day care for my kids, and my car breaking down, I had to do jobs that worked with my schedule but didn’t pay a lot.

In 2010 I got a job that was decent pay, and I moved to the Midwest. My parents who I thank God for and owe the world to, kept my kids in Georgia with them for a year, until I got situated. When the kids came, everything was great. I was proud that I could give them the life they deserved, but then the garnishments from credit issues during my marriage came (I was still married btw).

My bank account stayed in the negative, and again, I was making decent money, but with the garnishments, and raising four girls alone, I was struggling. I remember begging my ex husband (who was still my husband at the time) to help me get food for our kids. Most times he did not, but a few times he did.

I cried many nights, and during the day, I put my mom cape on and took care of my kids, and my boss pants on, and went to work. On the outside looking in, my life was great, but if only people knew…

In 2013, the stress of restaurant management weighed so much on my mental health that I transferred to North Carolina to be surrounded by family. This was also the year I got a divorce. I transferred to retail but to my unbeknownst, I had dodged a flame only to jump into a fire. The work environment was even more toxic than the job I’d previously left, and I developed physical complications from the retail job.

In 2015, my rent skyrocketed, so I made a decision that I didn’t want to make, but it made sense until I could find a place of my own with a reasonable price. It didn’t work out that way, and now I’m still stuck in the same place I was seven years ago.

Every time I put two steps forward, something happens that pulls me two steps back. I make plans, set goals, and then something happens to where I find myself having to start all over again. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I’m never getting out of this funk, and every day I’m saying, “God help me. Show me what to do,” and every day the only answer I get, is write.

Sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason… but there is a reason, it’s called perimenopause… it’s probably a sprinkle of depression and anxiety in there too, but I remain hopeful.

I’m not going to lie, I’m in a financial funk right now, but I am actively looking for work. I can’t do strenuous jobs because of back and sciatic issues, but I can write until Jesus comes back, and I can write anything a person or company needs. My dream job is to be a copywriter, and of course continue to be an author.

For the past four years, I’ve made the bulk of my money as an independent contractor. The job requires a car in which I do not have because the engine went out. Yeah… sucky…

I graduated with my broadcasting degree in July (perfect timing, right). I did graduate with honors and with a 4.0 GPA! Yay me! However, and all the potential jobs I could have are an hour away, but guess what? No freaking car…

So, I’m looking for work near me. Copywriting work, preferably but I will do any work that is in the broadcasting field, so if you know about a job near Sanford, NC or a remote broadcasting job, hit me up! By the way, writing about this is what God told me to do today, so I’m doing it. Personally, I don’t like telling people about my issues because people have their own problems, but here I am.

I also posted the following on LinkedIn today:

Good morning! I am a recent broadcasting student with interest in copywriting. As an intern, I wrote numerous copies for WFJA/WWGP in Sanford, NC promoting various local business. If you need someone to write you a commercial that’s fresh, catchy, and will attract customers, please feel free to contact me here and/or via email: bellbricca@gmail.com.

Thank you.

I don’t know what will come of this, at the very least, it will inspire someone to keep going, because that’s exactly what I’m doing. The old people used to say, “I’m gonna run and see what the end is going to be.” Well, that’s me. As a matter of fact, it’s been my life, and even though I am going through hell right now, I’ve been through worse.

I think that the fact that I don’t see progress is getting to me THE MOST, but we walk by faith, not by sight, right?

I know that I am moving, it’s evident. As I said, I just received my broadcasting degree in July. You can’t graduate college without (at least) moving. I also once dreamed of being an author, and since 2016, I’ve written four books, and my fifth book will be released very soon (more about that in another post).

I’m saying all of this to say (besides HELP I NEED A JOB!) lol, jk, but no for real… You never know what people are going through. I consistently get online or my podcast and post to uplift others, so it may not seem like I don’t ever have any problems, but I do. When I uplift you, I’m uplifting me too. It’s really not me, but God, and I know this to be 100% true.

Without God, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. There’s so much that I’ve gone through that I didn’t post here, because it would require a book, but I’ve learned that God supplies my daily bread. Everything I need to survive on a daily basis, He provides, and this wilderness is not my end.

There’s lessons to be learned and preparations to be made for what’s ahead- the things I cannot see.

I’m not saying that life will be perfect when I am blessed with a job, a car, and my own home, but I will actually feel like I am moving forward and up.

Right now, I’m actively waiting, and although I cannot see progress, I know that change is coming; despite what I go through, I am convinced.

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13.

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