Have you ever been betrayed, heartbroken, abused in any way, or maybe experienced a tragedy? Did any of things things happen to you as a kid? Most things we experience as a kid, plays a huge part on how we perceive things as an adult, and it can be good or bad things. If we grow up around dysfunction, we may associate dysfunction with love. If we didn’t receive love from a parent(s) or a loved one as a child, we may grow up and crave love so much that we accept the same breadcrumbs from a partner that we got from a family member, and this is unhealthy to one’s emotional health.
It can also negatively affect your mind, which keeps you in a negative cycle of doing the most to receive the least amount of affection, attention, or praise. In a trauma bond, a person confuses the bare minimum of effort, with love, when really, it’s not love. It’s a way for the person you have this unhealthy tie to, to continue to have power over you. It’s a way for that person to prey on your weakness and control you. You’ll find yourself accepting disrespect, making excuses for inexcusable behavior on your partner’s end, or you’ll convince yourself that you’re truly happy with the bare minimum of effort that you receive, even if you know the relationship is toxic and isn’t going anywhere.
We’ve all been through some things. We’ve all experienced hurt, tragedy, disappointment, or rejection, and many of us have experienced abuse. It’s important that we don’t allow the bad we’ve been through, to cause us to make bad decisions. It’s time to stop thinking and making decisions that comes from a place of brokenness, and it’s time to heal. You deserve real love and happiness, not an illusion.
If you’re trauma bonded to someone, the first thing you must do is ask yourself why. Why are you allowing someone to come in and out of your life as they please? Was this the behavior of a parent or another family member whose love you craved as a child? Why do you allow your partner to continuously disrespect you? Did you grow up with parents who fought a lot, or belittled you?
You may have to reach deep into places inside yourself you’d rather not see, but confronting those demons are the only way to set yourself free from destructive patterns. You have to heal first, and think about love later, or you’ll continue to get breadcrumbs while the same person will go and give someone else one hundred percent of their love and effort. The difference between that person they give their all to and you, is that, the other person required more. They know what they deserve and they refused to settle. You have to understand, people treat you the way that you allow them to treat you, not the way you want them to.
People will test you. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Set boundaries and the disrespect and bread crumbing will end. You can’t be afraid of being alone though, and that’s another signal that you may be trauma bonded to a person. You’re with them out of fear of being alone.
Fear has nothing to do with love. One of my favorite scriptures is, 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” The word perfect in this scripture is speaking in the context of being complete. A person who fears has not been made complete in love.
If the love isn’t complete, there’s room for all kinds of chaos to enter. You’ve got to be whole first, before you’re made complete in love. Being whole means being healed from your past traumas, and being emotionally healthy and in the best mental state to where you’re able to be the best version of yourself and receive real love. Being the best version of yourself is really knowing yourself and taking the necessary steps to becoming a better person than you were yesterday. We must keep growing, mind, body, and spirit.
Love and take care of yourself first, that’s the only way that you can love your neighbor as yourself, which is a command God gives us. Set those boundaries. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate and stick to it. Don’t make decisions based on your traumas or fears, make sound decisions based on the reality and truth of things. What are your goals?
Does the relationship help you accomplish this goal or is it keeping you from that goal? A part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to be yourself and accomplish these important goals you’ve set for yourself. Real love doesn’t require you to put yourself on the back burner and try to rescue everyone else, no! Real love is about taking care of you first, so that you are able to give love the right way. A way that’s not stemmed in fear or trauma, but in love and truth.
If you’ve enjoyed this post, read my book, “How to let go and let God,” available on Amazon.